Monday, 2 December 2013

Why I Spent a Month Balancing an Anemic Slug on my Upper Lip

Movember. It's great, isn't it? All those people. Growing moustaches. It's become so popular too. Moustaches, are in. Movember has succeeded in popularising the moustache to the point that it's now plastered all over everything from pencil cases to cushions.

Brilliant. Success. Movember has clearly achieved its goal of changing the face of men's health.

Except... It hasn't. It's clearly done well as a brand. And they've clearly raised a lot of money for a good cause.

I participated in Movember because I wanted to encourage people to talk and be open about their issues, about their health, about their bodies.

Y'see, I lost a bollock when I was 14.

You could clearly tell something was odd, because I remember being up early that day. Remember being ready for school on-time. Remember rolling around on the sofa in agony within an hour and not making it in to school at all.

But it wasn't my Christmas baubles that were causing me trouble. I had a tremendous pain in my right side, above my waist. My lower back was also killing me.

A doctor's appointment was made.  By the time I got there, the pain had subsided. Everything... seemed to be ok. The doctor was... not helpful. "It could be your appendix, if you hadn't had that out three years ago. It could be your kidneys. It could be indigestion."

The pain got worse.  I was back to the doctor's the next day.

By the second trip, I remember having thought, "I do believe my family jewels are feeling a little unusual." (Ok, that wasn't EXACTLY what I thought, but it was along those lines)

I told the doctor that I thought one of me bollocks was swollen (Is that a technical term?). When you're 14, it's a bit odd getting your knob out and asking another man to have a look at it.  ... In fact, personally speaking, I think it's fair to say that I'd still find that more than a "bit odd" even now.

Oddness aside, the doctor looked at it.  Personally, I thought it had seemed a little swollen. Not by much, just a little. NO NOT SWOLLEN LIKE THAT, AND CERTAINLY NOT IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES, thank you very much.

"No," said my doctor, "it's fine. There's nothing wrong."

I believed him. Why wouldn't you? It didn't hurt or feel uncomfortable, and I couldn't say it looked alarming (Any more than usual), and... He's a doctor.

My doctor, in his infinite wisdom, diagnosed me with indigestion.  He gave me a prescription for some cruddy "settle your stomach" tosh.

Now we (my family) knew this was clearly an absolute load of bollocks (there's some irony for you), and my mum wasn't having any of this, so off I went to hospital.

They poked me and prodded me and (I think) kept me in for a night.  The pain continued to persist in my side and in my back. I didn't mention to them that one of my baby-making balloons appeared to have been a little inflated; why would I? The doctor had told me there was nothing wrong, and it had left my mind.

I was sent home from hospital. They could find nothing wrong.

By the next day, or that night; I can't remember, the pain in my side and back was so bad, I was back into hospital again - by ambulance, this time.

I was exhausted, and I had been in pain all day. By the time they'd got me a bed in a ward, I think it was something like 2am. My mum stayed with me that night - she heard one of the nurses on the phone saying "he seems fine; he fell asleep straight away; nothing wrong with him."

The next day, they finally figured out what the problem was. My testes was twisted. (Now, there's a tongue twister for you ;) )

By this point, it had been twisted so long, they couldn't simply untwist it. It had to go bye-bye.  Awhhhh, that poor li'l guy never even got to say hello to a lovely lady ;)

I don't really remember the detail of what happened after that. I remember them explaining that they didn't look for a twisted nut in boys below 15 at the time. I remember a ... What's the collective noun for a group of medical students? I'll improvise... I remember a fuck-load of medical students all coming in with the senior consultant to hear and see all about it.

Come to think of it, I do remember nurses helping me to bathe and clean it. Ohhhh yeah ;)  That makes me smile now, but when you've got a great gash and stitches in your ball sack, it's a bit more difficult to appreciate! (It did sting a bit ;) )

They told me the remaining one got tied down with a "bit of cat gut" to make sure that it can't get twisted like the first. one.  Reassuring.

You know what? I'm bloody glad that human bodies are built so damn well. All these backups. I'm glad I've still got at least one of my lovely love spuds, and that it makes no difference to my chances of making little people.  They told me I could get a plastic prosphetic, but I've never seen the point (then or now).

I try to look after the other li'l survivor. I don't mean that I buy little treats for him every now and again (a fine hat, or an ice cream, maybe), but more... Keep an eye on my health. Speak to my doctor if anything unusual happens - and WHEN it happens, not after a few months of going "I wonder if that's a problem?" - I happen to know that an early diagnosis does make a difference :-P

I trust myself and my body a lot more too. And doctors a lot less.

And Movember?  Movember's a great idea. A great way of "changing the face of men's health".  But... Don't forget what it's about. Don't forget to THINK about your health. It ain't about the 'tache it's about the todger ;) (I'll let them use that, if they ask me nicely ;) )

Movember isn't really "about" what happened to me - a "simple" case of a twisted bollock. But it IS about raising awareness. Not just your meat and two veg, but your arsehole and all the other personal problems that aren't fun or pretty to talk about.  So, just... Be aware of your body, and don't be afraid to go to your doctor, and trust your own instincts and feelings when you talk to your doctor.

Long may you live, and never may your balls be lopped off.

Colin


Monday, 11 May 2009

Microsoft Silverlight: Installation failed (successfully)

The message told me, “Unable to install Silverlight.”

I clicked for “More information”:

Silverlight - did it or didn't it

According to the error code, it “installed successfully”.  Hmmmm!

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Web Translation Services

I recently received an e-mail from a delightful young lady called “Alina”.

Alina

Now, I don’t actually know anyone by the name of Alina, but she clearly knows me, because she “liked my structure on one of places for acquaintances”.  Alina tells me that she wishes to “find much unique love and the true partner in life” and shall “wait my answer with impatience”.  Alina is clearly a good catch because she is “very cheerful and at me am a good comic genre”.

If you too wish to be able to send e-mails to acquaintances in foreign climes, with at least the same eloquence and charm as Alina has sent me, then I suggest you resort to randomly firing it through a web translation service and not checking the result.

If, on the other hand, you have some foreign text that you wish to translate (as I recently did when I was given a set of documentation in German) into something vaguely intelligible, then I suggest that use several different services in tandem.  Note that I would never dream of using this approach for external documentation (Find someone that speaks the language, and speaks it well), but that for my own internal use, this approach worked well.

Most often these days, I found myself using simply Google Translate.  However, back in the old days, Yahoo! Babel Fish (once AltaVista Babel Fish) was the way to go.  I also discovered Windows Live! Translator.

Running the same German text through each, I discovered some interesting results.  On the whole, I found that text translated via Yahoo! Babel Fish made the least sense.  Being “the original”, I was actually quite disappointed about this.

I was very pleasantly surprised by the results I got from Windows Live! Translator.  This was likely due, in part, to the fact that I was translating technical documentation, and apparently Microsoft has their existing (and vast) technical library behind this technology.

Google Translate came somewhere in-between Babel Fish and Live! Translator.

Oh, and as for Alina?  I’ll pop that e-mail back into my Junk folder now, but thanks for the chuckle all the same.  For entertainment purposes, her e-mail in full:

Greetings the Friend!!!

I liked your structure on one of places for acquaintances, and I have made a decision to write to yours. Wash name Alina. In me 28 years. I wish to speak at once to you, that I search for serious communications. I wish to find the one who wished to experience a long and happy life. I very cheerful and at me am a good comic genre. I wish to find much unique love and the true partner in life. I wait that you will answer me,

I ask you to write only to this direction – some@email.address

I am applied my photo and with pleasure I shall answer you if you will write to me. I shall wait your answer with impatience and I wait that you to not neglect my letter. It is thankful in advance, Alina.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Crazy



One for £1.96. Three for 88p.

Excuse me while I swear very loudly at the new lows of the illogical supermarket deals.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

I had to buy some…

…Because I couldn’t work out what they were!

Baked mini cheddars

“Baked Mini Cheddars”

“Crinklys”

“Salt & Vinegar flavour”

“Light & crispy texture”

So… Do they taste of cheddar?  Do they have the texture of Mini-Cheddars?

…Are they in fact in any way like Mini-Cheddars at all, beyond the fact that they happen to come in a packet?

The Results

Well… They are crinkled.  They do taste of cheddar and salt and vinegar.  They do have a light and crispy texture and yet also the feel of mini-cheddars.  Verdict:  I like!

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

An update to add support for the serialization of complex Extensible Metadata Platform (XMP) data types in the Windows Imaging Component

Link: An update to add support for the serialization of complex Extensible Metadata Platform (XMP) data types in the Windows Imaging Component

The current version of the Windows Imaging Component (WIC) does not support the serialization of complex Extensible Metadata Platform (XMP) data types that are embedded in arrays. For example, the Windows Imaging Component does not support embedded structures, arrays, or alternatives. This behavior violates the Adobe XMP specification. Therefore, applications that use the Windows Imaging Component, such as Windows Live Photo Gallery, cannot write bags of complex XMP data types to an image.

Everybody got that?

Good. ;)

Well, I can see why they had to desperately get a hotfix out for that, then :-/  I wonder why I only just got this hotfix, when the article is dated September ‘08.  Perhaps because I installed Windows Live Photo Doohicky yesterday?  Or perhaps because Adobe had a bit of a go at Microsoft about it? ;)

Saturday, 6 December 2008

The Fat Lady Steps Up

Phwoar, look at that, even the installation screen is looking a bit sexy.



Check out the Opera Desktop Team Blog for more! :)

Meanwhile, I notice it's been a while since I wrote anything... And I'd been meaning to write a bit about synchronicity, too...